Recent Posts

21 December 2009

Bad For You


It is, apparently, some cruel law of the universe that the most psychotic women who wander into my life must also be the most god-almighty fantastic in bed.

The first night I met Danni, she made the hair on the back of my neck stand up; that whine of a voice, the violent temper, the spitting, and the insistence on speaking like a female rap star. But she also came equipped with that body, god damn her. And ten beers later, when she was talking with her mouth dangerously close to my face and noting matter-of-factly that she wasn't wearing underwear, I was instantly reduced to a box of Feldman's Modeling Clay.

Later that night, when she delivered unto me a fucking that almost stopped my heart cold, I knew I was in trouble. Because the male mind cares not if a woman starts fights with bartenders or throws chairs in restaurants or tells you that your mother is a "twatburger" [all things she did within the first week I knew her, mind you]. Because we know that the screwing which will be levied after all of this anger has subsided will be an otherwordly experience. And that's its own reward.

I remember the nights I'd sit up, pacing around around her small apartment while she slept off the fuckathon, thinking I could change her. "Niceness begets niceness," I thought. So I tried. And it failed. Miserably. The night she spit beer in my best friend's face [after an argument over, of all things, calling plans], I realized that if I wanted to keep my sanity -- not to mention my friends and family -- I'd have to leave this sex behind.

So I did. And after the death threats subsided, I started seeing some fairly "normal" women again. Women who didn't scream at my relatives, or carry knives in their purses, or try to burn the back of my neck with a lit cigarette.

Also: Women who didn't fuck near as good as Danni.

Unfortunately.

2 comments:

suarts said...

amazingly true indeed. you couldnt have said it better.

as for me I'm willing to endure that shit...just cant trade that kind of fucking for anything

LuckyGirl said...

"It is, apparently, some cruel law of the universe that the most psychotic women who wander into my life must also be the most god-almighty fantastic in bed."

There is a scientific explanation for this, Ken. In a diagram it would look like this: The vertical represents "HOT". Horizontal represents "CRAZY". Now draw a diagonal line in the chart, rising from zero HOT, zero CRAZY all the way to infinity. That line represents the amount of HOT you get for CRAZY and vice versa. If she's mad HOT, she's also mad CRAZY. You wouldn't fuck a crazy lady that wasn't at all hot (hence, off the chart). Now you would fuck a mad hot lady that wasn't at all crazy. But she doesn't exist.

This works with Dudes, too, just substitute ASSHOLE for CRAZY. And just as you men will accept levels of CRAZY accompanied by matching HOTNESS, so will we women accept levels of ASSHOLE.

Hope that helps clarify things... :-p

Post a Comment