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26 May 2010

No Way She's In It For The Money

Lots of folks would cynically surmise that Christine Peters, girlfriend of billionaire Sumner Redstone, is only in it for the dough.

But seeing them in the photo above, it's pretty clear to me that she's looking beyond the bank account. And as she lays down each night for a heapin' helping of withered, old man testicles, I'm thinking the last thing on her mind is the Mercedes she's gonna make him buy her the following morning. Instead, I'm sure she's focused entirely on keeping that leathery, Geritol-guzzling man of hers infinitely satisfied.

Which is fine, but it still pisses me off. Because it's just another hot chick I won't be banging. Ladies, I have to be honest: I'm way, way hotter than Sumner Redstone. I'm fairly certain my physique would trump his any day of the week, I'm less likely to fall asleep or lose my train of thought while delivering merciless cunnilingus, and I wouldn't bore you with stories about how I once met Grover Cleveland or what life was like in 1852.

But I don't have shitloads of money. And there's the rub.

So while Sumner's watching the revolving door of premium trim line-up at his mansion and townhouse and airplane and blimp (complete with jetpack-sporting butlers), I'll be out there hitting the bars, working the trenches, trying to convince the ladies that they could do worse than a roll in the hay with my pale, white ass.

It's a tough gig to be sure. And knowing that Sumner's old man cock sees more action in a day than my young man johnson attracts in a year doesn't make it any easier. But I can assure you of this, women of the world: I work harder to earn your booty.


Skye Blue said...

So happy you're back.

I don't know if this will be any consolation to you and all the 'young man johnson' owning dudes, but I'm sure Christine Peters is thinking about someone just like you as Sumner pops his Viagra.

andygirl said...

I've always considered giving up looking for love and finding a nice home on, but I just can't picture the horrifying, nightmare-inducing sex. *shudder*

the mick said...

See, I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone that was so materialistic/opportunistic that they would stoop to this. That's much grosser than old man balls, to me, and I used to go to the Y with my dad when I was a kid, in the men's locker room, so I know from old man balls.

Suzyn said...

If he eats pussy, he's instantly cooler than most guys in Boston aged 25 to 45.

the mick said...

Suzyn, ha.

Miss Alpha said...

The way I see it... that kind of woman is looking for that kind of man and that kind of man is looking for that kind of woman.

It's a beautiful little circle of which I want no part.

Hot, horny pale guy who looks good in khakis and can write well? I'm listening...

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