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09 November 2010

Eyes Wide Shut

Dear readers, I have a confession: I am something of an oddity in the animal kingdom.

No, it's not because of my obsessive love of giving women rimjobs. Or that freaky, irrepressible part of my psyche that can't get through a first date without asking a woman if she'd be willing to sit on my face. Or even my fondness for dressing up as Garth Brooks and hanging outside the local bakery.

It's because I'm a guy who doesn't like watching porno.

Two chicks going at it? I'll watch that any day. Three or five chicks? Even better. But watching a guy and a girl get into some straight-on fucking? Honestly, I can't watch it.

Not that I'm against fucking, mind you. In fact, I've spent the better part of my professional life trying to better myself in that department.

The problem is, nothing sickens me more than the male "money shot."

In college, my roommate and some of his drinkin' pals used to live for that shit. "Here it comes!" they'd shout in anticipation, right before the obliging female porn star got drenched. But I couldn't even watch. Guys, I wanted to yell, that's a fucking dude shooting his load. You see, I have a limit as to how many times a day I need to see a guy shoot his load. And that limit is "zero."

And when it comes to, y'know, wanking to porn, I have another problem. Because the law of averages dictates that you're every bit as likely to be staring at Ron Jeremy's greasy o-face when you reach climax as you are Alexis Texas' exquisitely contoured ass.

Too risky, as I see it. So just hand me a DVD copy of Swedish Lesbian Stewardesses in the Jungle of Doom and I'll be fine.


andygirl said...

women don't want to see that either. but lesbian porn? awesome.

Date Girl said...

I can't stand the money shot porn. I'm not gay, but I definitely find the lesbian porn more appealing. I think it's because they're more gentle to each other. Plus guys in porns are generally butt ugly. If they were a little cuter I wouldn't mind watching them. But I still wouldn't wait for the money shot. Gross.

Something She Dated said...

For me it's all about the storyline. I know. You're all laughing right now. Porn with a storyline. Whatever. It's out there. I swear. And with the right plot. Actors/actresses. Even a money shot can be awesome. My problem is with all the fucking unrealistic moaning and all the retarded talking. Which is why my porn always asks. Parlez-vous francais? To which I respond Yes Please! (was that clear? I like french porn because I can't understand what they're saying...yeah? okay good...because I didn't want you to think I didn't know what Parlez-vous francais was a joke.)

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