My Plan to Live Forever

Despite my happy-go-lucky exterior and robust appetite for threesomes, I'm a man who spends a lot of time pondering my mortality. Particularly concerning is the fact that prostate cancer has downed a good sum of the men in my family and the treatment options for said disease can cause impotence and incontinence--two things that would almost certainly hamper my love life.

So how fucking happy was I to learn that the best measures a guy can take to protect himself from an exploding prostate include jerking off and drinking beer.

In other words, the two activities I commit a sizable chunk of my time to are actually helping to save my life. Bonus!

Just check these magical statistics from an Australian study:

Frequent self-pleasuring could protect against the most common kind of cancer. The protective effect is greatest while men are in their twenties: those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life.

Five times a week? Dudes, try five times a day. In fact, I may be the only guy in the world who's ever had to give the "not tonight, I've got a headache" speech to my own right hand.

And for the imbibers out there, the news gets even better, according to a German study:

Experiments have shown that xanthohumol, a compound derived from the hops in beer, blocks a chemical reaction that can lead to the development of cancer.

It's enough to beg the question: who's funding these studies and what will be the next prostate cancer miracle cure they discover? Messing about with hookers? Dry humping a mattress? Watching football and eating Pringles in an easy chair while a couple hot chicks make out between quarters?

Whatever the case, I'm not one to refute such findings. So the next time you see me locking myself in my room with a six pack and stack of Sinnamon Love DVDs, understand that I'm not merely fretting away the hours getting drunk and whackin' off. I'm saving my life!

I'll give your regards to the twenty-second century, suckers!