Songs in the Key of F&%^ing

Sex is an act that creates its own soundtrack. The gentle pat pat pat of bellies touching. The squeak of mattress springs as they yield to the bodies they support. The occasional queef, and the giggles that inevitably follow.

But sometimes, sex needs music. One time, a buddy of mine found the tie on the doorknob of his dorm room, with the sound of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" blaring from his stereo. Hours later, his roommate emerged, nearly catatonic from hours of intense fucking.

Years ago, I was sleeping with an admitted music snob. Generally, we avoided plugging in the iPod when he plugged into me because he'd get distracted. But we once spent an entire afternoon shagging to the dulcet music of The Roots. It had a perfect rhythm, but was also great at blending into the background when we got distracted with each other. Granted, this memory is tainted now because this band is now Jimmy Fallon's house band, but a musician's got to eat.

The music you listen to while fucking should never be heard at a wedding. It shouldn't be a song that was ever popular--while booty-shaking at the club is great, you don't want to snap the guy's dick off while fuck-dancing to "Single Ladies." The songs should not involve break-ups, weddings, or Tori Amos. And for the love of God, don't turn it up too loud. You want to hear your partner turning into mush beneath you.