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10 February 2010

Out Here in No Man's Land

Attention please, I have an announcement.

Guys are horndogs.

Hardly a revelation, I know, but one of the most interesting things about the male species is how we can take a sentence as innocuous as "Would you like some apple juice?" and contort it into something racy, possibly involving rimjobs.

I used to think we were bad. Until I began working in an office full of women.

I'm the only guy in my department. There are seven others here, all women, ranging in age from 22 to 54. And, somehow, the sex talk and innuendo flies at a rate rivaled only by, I'm guessing, a construction site.

Last week, in a meeting, I attempted to adjust the video projector to enlarge the output on the screen. Unable to get it to work, I uttered the most unfortunate line: "Why can't I make this bigger?"

Without missing a beat, the 54 year old quips, "Oh, honey, bring it over here. I can make it bigger."

Not to be outdone, the pregnant 32 year old adds, "I find breathing on it can help."

Suddenly, they're off.

"Want me to sit on it?"

"Tell it how hot it's making you."

"Give it a little nibble right there [pointing to the underside of the projector]."

You get the point [these are all verbatim, by the way]. There were more interjections, but my mind couldn't process it all, what with their hysterical laughter punctuating every line. Needless to say, I sat there, red faced and nervous, fumbling with the projector until it finally worked.

Then there was the seemingly harmless birthday party for a coworker, which quickly shifted gears when my boss, of all people, informed us that her 14-year old son recently asked her what "sixty nine" meant.

This launched a half-hour discourse on -- you guessed it -- sixty-nining, so I got to stand around and listen to seven women discuss the merits of sitting on guys' faces.

Hey, I didn't just get off the boat. I've lived with women. I see them in action. I watch re-runs of Sex in the City, goddamn it.

But each and every day at the office, I find myself thinking the phrase I never thought would ever pass my lips:

"Ladies, can you please stop talking about sex."


Miss Alpha said...

HIlarious! And to your last line...

That's what she said.

Skye Blue said...

"...when my boss, of all people, informed us that her 14-year old son recently asked her what "sixty-nine" meant."

Although I'm guessing you didn't hear it, because your head (the one on your shoulders by the way) was about to explode, but did your boss elaborate on how she explained it to him? I think that could be a post in and of itself.

the mick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twg said...

When I watched Full Metal Jacket with my mom, she asked me what a reach-around was. I told her to ask Dad.

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