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17 February 2011

Guest Post: What WON'T You Do in Bed?

Well, shortly after I wrote my last post I contracted a double cock-punch of the flu and a strep infection -- none of which, I'm sure, has any connection to the woman I was rimming just two nights prior. Anyway, I apologize for the lack of posting and figgered I'd kick off the return with another scintillating guest post. This one's from the lovely Simone of Skinny Dip. And it's damn good:

* * * * * * * *

What won't you do in bed?

I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to Sex. My whole philosophy is "everything is worth trying at least once" (well, almost everything). When Ken asked me to write this post about Sexual Deal-breakers, I actually had to sit down with a drink and ponder, "What exactly WON'T I do in bed?". After some deep soul-searching and a couple of glasses of Bailey's Irish Cream, I've come up with my master list of Sexual Deal-Breakers. In other words, "a list of stuff that the mere mention of is guaranteed to turn my girl parts inwards" or alternatively titled "stuff to do if you want me to kick you out of bed". Drum-roll please!

1. Water-Sports: The thing that you have to understand about me is that I am your text book Virgo. I love cleanliness, I love order, I love crisp white sheets. I'm kind of obsessed with all things bedroom and bedding related. I make my bed every morning as soon as I get out of bed because if I don't I feel like it sets a bad tone for the day (I even do this when I stay in hotels, even though I know I don't have to). I lust after designer duvet covers & keep my bed in tip top shape because I want it to always be this fresh, fluffy, cozy oasis for sleep & sex. With that said, any kind of sexual activity that involves urination will never take place chez moi. Its not so much the idea of peeing on someone or having someone pee on me (no, wait I TOTALLY DON'T WANT ANYONE PEEING ON ME) its more the clean-up factor. If you think you're going to get me to pee on you while you're lying on my 300-thread count Hungarian down duvet you're out of luck. The only way it might work is if there was extensive plastic sheeting laid out before hand. But, who really wants to stop mid-sex so they can create a condom-like bedroom environment? Which brings me to my first rule of thumb when it comes to sexual experimentation: If a sex act requires me to make my bedroom look like one of Dexter's "kill sites" or involves extensive "clean-up" afterward, its not happening.

2. The "Hot Lunch" or the "Blumpie". Rule of thumb #2: if a sexual act requires me to do a search on Urban Dictionary to find out what it is, its also probably not happening. This is definitely the case with the "Hot Lunch" and the "Blumpie". Did you read the definitions?! Are you throwing up in your mouth yet? ARE YOU?! Because I am. Also, I think the inclusion of both of these on the Sexual Deal-breakers list is pretty self-explanatory. Sex and making a shadoobie are two things that in my opinion just shouldn't go together. I know there is a bumper sticker that says "Is Sex Dirty? Only when its done right!" however, the "Hot Lunch" takes that to a whole new level. I'm guessing post "Hot-Lunch" probably involves some pretty interesting clean up. The only good that has come from learning the definition of a "Hot Lunch" is that now whenever I pass that diner in my hometown that has a sign that says "We specialize in Hot Lunches", I burst into hysterics.

3. Furry Sex: Once again I had to consult Urban Dictionary for this one. "Furry" sex is a term usually used to describe the act of two people having sex with each other while dressed in furry animal costumes. I think its pretty obvious why most people wouldn't be into this. Lots of people fantasize about having sex on a bear skin rug, very few people fantasize about having sex with a bear skin rug. I mean, I'm not even into chest hair - the last thing I want is for you to try and bone me while you're dressed as Tony the Tiger and I'm wearing a fuzzy unicorn one-sie. Furry sex mystifies me more than anything. How does one actually have sex while also wearing a fuzzy animal costume? Do the costumes include some kind of "trap door" like those old school pajamas with the bum-flap? Or, do they work more like a giant pair of fuzzy crotchless underwear? Where does one buy a crotchless animal costume? I guess I could Google this but honestly I'm afraid to find out.

4. Rape Fantasies: Besides the obvious power dynamics at play here, I've never understood why guys have the fantasy of sleeping with a woman who's pretending to not want to sleep with them. I love to please my partner & I'll gladly act out most fantasies (as long as they don't involve an animal costume) but, this is one I just can't do. The only time I've tried this, I felt like my skin was crawling & I was going to throw up. I don't mind a little bit of hand-cuff play & light spanking but, generally I don't like to be dominated. I'm more of a "tie you to the bed with a pair of my thigh highs & do naughty things to you while you beg for mercy" kind of girl. That's just how I roll.

5. Biting: Years and years ago, I dated this guy who would try and bite me every time we were in bed. After we broke up I found out he belonged to a group that put on "Vampire Role Play parties" and that he was a two-timing creep who liked to have his cake and bite it too. Now, whenever I feel teeth brush against my neck or any other body part I get this sicky feeling and I am reminded of that guy, his basement apartment that smelled like marijuana, his creepy friends & the fact that he kept a life sized stuffed plush tiger on his bed. Wow, that's a lot of deal breakers in one paragraph! Simply put, I just don't like biters (or adult males who own large stuffed animals). This also applies to the guys who think its OK to use their teeth while going down on a girl. I've had enough experience to know that treating my lady parts like you are eating a cob of corn at the State Fair does not constitute "doing it right".

I realize that this list is completely subjective. What makes me cringe, might have the complete opposite effect on someone else. Some of you may think this list makes me incredibly close-minded. There are no right or wrong answers here. Everyone has their own tastes & preferences. That's what makes sex so fascinating.

What are some of your sexual deal-breakers?


Sam Sharpe said...

"...the fact that he kept a life sized stuffed plush tiger on his bed."

Uhm, this is creepy. Really creepy.

Anyway, not sure what my sexual deal-breakers are, I tend only to think of the don'ts and won'ts upon being asked to do something, but one thing's for certain: anything involving feces and saran wrap isn't on the menu.

Suzyn said...

Urine. No urine.


Not a drop.

Otherwise... let's roll.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I've wondered this too, as I'm also a try-sexual (to steal Samatha's term, and also duh of course I am).

However. Body fluids/waste other than those normally associated with sex? Out. No thanks. Don't even wanna try it.

Rape? Nope. Def not - but PS? It's not just men who this fantasy - a lot of women do to. But for me? I think generally I am with you on being more of a dominant. Can't imagine ever being submissive.

Other than that? Suggest something and let's chat.

Hey Lady! said...

There's an episode of the television show "Entourage" about "furries". That's how most mainstream non-furries know what one is. There's a sex scene in the episode, you're right about the hole cut in the crotch area.

And I think you deal breakers are pretty universal. (Who the hell thought up this "hot lunch"? Sounds like a great way to get a bacterial infection.)

Skinny Dip said...

The tiger matched his animal print sheets. *cringe* - what was he thinking?! NO WAIT - what was I thinking?!

I'm the same & yes...I can't think of any situation where feces & saran wrap are a good thing. EVER. gag.

Ken said...

Intriguingly, for one such as I who admires the female derriere as much as life itself and will often leap through fire for the chance to give a woman a rim job, I don't like anything -- anything -- done to my own ass. Nada.

theromanticrealist said...

Biting - I went through a phase (blame it on damn Eric in True Blood) where all I wanted was to be bitten.

After a night of encouraging my lover to bit my neck harder, I woke up barely being able to move it.

I'm over the biting thing.

Something She Dated said...

I completely agree. On all but number 4. Perhaps it's being a big gal...perhaps it's spending my life always being the one in charge...the one making the plans...the one organizing people...the one directing and making things happen...solving problems answering questions blah blah blah but I am a woman who wants to be dominated. But the thing I always's all fun and games until it's not a game. The fantasy is only fun as long as it stays that way...I'm all fine and dandy if he acts like he's the pimp and I'm his ho unless he actually thinks that he's a pimp and I'm his ho. ;) I'm so stereotypical lol

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