The Dangers of Young Love

Valentine's Day is a dangerous enough holiday for those who are in committed relationships. If you don't get flowers for your lady, you're in trouble. If the flowers aren't unique or expensive enough, you might be in trouble. Do chocolates insinuate she's fat? If you don't try out the moves you learned from Carmen Electra's OnDemand Stripper Class, is he going to think you're not into him?

But perhaps the worst-case scenario is to be in a fledgling relationship in mid-February. When you're about four dates in, have had the first fuck, and are just starting to introduce the fellow to your friends. "What are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" They coo. You play coy. But the panic sets in.

What are we doing for Valentine's Day?!

You don't want to ask him. But you kind of have to, don't you? If you don't ask, will he think you're out with someone else? Is he out with someone else? Do you buy him a present? Do you just buy some sexy underwear for him to throw on the floor in the heat of newfound lust? Do you agree to have another date and steadfastly ignore the people popping the question all around you?

WHAT IS THE PROTOCOL?

The hell with this. I'm staying home with the two reliable men in my life--Ben and Jerry.