The Things I Wish They'd Taught Me

When I was a kid, Americans had not completely lost their grip on rational thought, and I learned about the magic of puberty in sex-ed. There were booklets handed out, covered in pink, script fonts, and pictures of girls doing wholesome activities despite growing hair in funny places and the sudden need to invest in a sports bra. Feminine hygiene companies gave us samples of pads and tampons. And I thought my butch gym teacher had armed me with all the information I needed to Become A Woman.

But nobody warned me about the shits that accompany my period.

I knew that sore breasts, mood swings, and cramps were possibilities. But the most debilitating aspect of my monthly curse is the stomach upset. As soon as food or drink passes through my lips, I am in the restroom. I'll be walking through the mall, minding my own business, when my uterus contracts and my entire intestinal tract is twisting more violently than a Russian gymnast and I'm on the dead run to the ladies' room. As an added bonus, I've got more gas than a Shell station on delivery day.

There's certainly some hormonal reason for this. Why aren't we telling America's young women about this? Why hasn't some sitcom writer adopted a guy's wife having the shits during her period as a plot? Do not be afraid, girls: You are not alone. Many women get the runs during their period. You will fart like crazy. Just eat your snack foods and wait for it to end.