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15 June 2010

"Hey, You With the Boobs. And the Eyes. And the Hair..."

There's a girl at my office with the biggest rack ever.

I mean, there's simply no other way to put it. Hindenburg-huge. Preposterously gargantuan. Incapable of being restrained by the strongest of sports bras or tightly-knit sweaters.

They are, for lack of better terminology, ginormous.

And everyone knows this. Her boss knows it. Her coworkers. Every guy in the mailroom knows "Sarah with the boobs." Christ, the vending machine that spits out our coffee and candy bars knows it.

Folks, her boobs are fucking huge.

So the other day, myself and Sarah and her boobs and a few other coworkers find ourselves at the local "TGIFridays" -- where the good times are incessant! -- for that most gut-wrenching of office niceties, the birthday lunch. And one of the girls is showing off her new tinted contacts, and she's apparently quite happy because she'd rather men focus on her eyes than what she deemed her "beak-like nose."

And Sarah chimes in that she's quite proud of her own deep blue eyes, because, and I quote, "they're the first things guys notice about me."

Not on this planet, hon. Not in this lifetime.

But it did get me thinking. Are we fooling ourselves with what we truly think are our best features? I recall a former Kennette who had a model-quality ass, the kind that snarls traffic and turns men to stone at first glance [how I let that one slip away is still a sore subject]. But she was convinced her impossibly curly blonde hair was what drew myself and countless other guys in.

Hell, I even fool myself. Hours of sweating my balls off in the gym have convinced me that my arms and chest are what keep the ladies coming. But if you ask the ladies, they'll probably tell you what they really dig is how I always pick up the bar tab.


Gray said...

Sometimes it is demeaning to feel like only the obvious body parts are what attract people to us. So we want to believe it is something more meaningful, when more often then not that is not the case. But oh how we try.

I'm sure you noticed my deep blue eyes before, right Ken?! hahahha

No One Reads The Copy said...

You went for "arms and chest"? Was the irony? Like you yourself don't get your own post about people not knowing what their best attribute is?

I could've sworn you would've said your best feature is your much-lauded tongue.


andygirl said...

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about women: Sarah knows it's her boobs men notice first, but her coworker was proud of her eyes and she had to compete.

Number Nine said...

I pretty much know its the golden bozos that the boyz notice first. Second... the potty mouth!

Set um up... knock um down.

twg said...

It's the legs for me. Always the legs.

Something She Dated said...

Men notice me for my ability to meld curiousity and logic as I rapidly but methodically solve all the worlds sure?...really? really think it's the way I suck a mean...? no!! it can't be...well...maybe you pick up the bar tab and we'll find out :P

Miss Alpha said...

Apparently peeps at my 'office' love this blog and insisted I read this.

I'm going to go on a limb and say my rack is my best asset. Or my legs.

Hmm no my butt.

The Naked Redhead said...

Oh man, I wanna be "Sarah with the boobs!" I mean, my name is "Sarah" after all, but no one ever--EVER--has called me "Sarah with the boobs." Dammit.

I'd say that the first thing men notice about me is the way I mark my territory with spray. I mean, REALLY gets 'em going. Purrrr-ow!

Greg said...

just found your blog, really funny thanks!

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