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27 October 2010

Guest Post: Treasure Down Under

The parade of awesome female guest bloggers continues. This week, it's the scintillating and verbally dextrous Zia, who turned down my every request that she use my face as her personal sofa, but did offer up the following post. After reading it, I want her even more.

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When you think about all the things we name, you start to wonder: why do we do it? We name pets, cars, GPS systems (mine is Betty), and tons of other inanimate objects. Why? It shows ownership, pride, and a connection. So naming your “family jewels” or “lady business” should not be any different. You own it, it’s definitely connected to you, and even though it is usually inanimate, it has moments of animation which you take pride in and, in turn, want to show off its talents.

In general, you may have a codename for how you address all people’s parts. For example, the grandmother of a girl I knew in high school addressed the female southern region as a twidgette. I personally use hoo-ha. A college friend of mine refers to the male southern region as accessories. But when it comes to naming your own, there are a few different approaches.

Some people like to go with a one-name approach. My dear friend, Mama J, addresses hers by Flower—a name that’s simple, clean, and implies that it smells nice. Her husband, Hubby J, on the other hand, prefers the two-name tactic and calls his member Papa Rocks. Papa gives a, how shall we say, “grandness” or “commanding” presence, while Rocks, in the vernacular, implies that it is a good time.

In my naming research, I found that some people like to use the word “ the” to help clarify their name. Normally, we use the word “ the” for specification. So in translation, when Sarcastic Bride calls her area The Zone, it makes it sound like it’s the one and only place to be.

A few people choose to add the honorific Mr., Ms., or Miss, giving a more professional attitude to their bits. However, I found many of my female friends prefer the possessive “honorific” - My. I have heard My Valentine, My Christmas, and My Princess.

The most unappealing use of “my” was my former college roommate – My Stuff. Really? Stuff is defined as an unspecified material substance. Unspecified? What’s the use of using an honorific if you are showing no honor to your hoo-ha?

Living with her got me to thinking and that is when I came up with my name. Well, names actually. I use a multi-name method. How could I choose just one name when this area has many different moods, emotions, and situations? Think about it: if your significant others’ name is William, you may call him William (professional), Bill (casual), Billy (youthful), or scrap them all and call him Sweetheart or Honey (endearing).

So, with this in mind, I came up with My Happy, in general or after a good roll in the hay. If the roll in the hay was exceptional, My Dopey pays a visit. When I find myself in a position where the guy has no clue what he’ s doing down there and I need to give directions (a.k.a. a prescription to make things better), My Doc is in the house. My Bashful walks into the gynecologist and My Grumpy walks out. My Sleepy appears when I’m in between “ action” (current status), but if it ever becomes My Sneezy, I’m seeing a specialist.


Suzyn said...

Brilliant. And I love the seven dwarfs analogy.

Date Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Date Girl said...

eheheh, yes if mine were sneezy I'd see a specialist too. My husband and I have a big joke nickname for mine. We call it Cooter, otherwise known as Snapping Turtle. His on the other hand is Stinky Linky, because he's ahem, not circumsized. ;-)

LuckyGirl said...

Love. This. Post!

I'm toying with the idea of really upping my kegel routine so that I can name mine The Queen of Hearts. But I'm not so sure that would increase my popularity with Tom, Harry and, most importantly, Dick.

So maybe I'll just stick with "Vaginamite"...

Anonymous said...

@Suzyn - Thx. My friends used to call me Cynical Snow White back in college, so the analogy seemed fitting.

@Date Girl - Cooter, I totally forgot about that one. But Snapping turtle...hey now. ;)

@Lucky Girl - The Queen of Hearts, I'm liking it. But yeah, it's a big name to live up to so routine kegel work would be a must.

KittyCat said...

Love this post. Now I have a name, but I am thinking after reading this I am thinking I have short changed my lady parts.
So now I need to come up with something better.

Something She Dated said...

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE a good analogy...and this one...was fuckin' top the charts...brilliant!

Skinny Dip said...

This was a great post Zia!

After reading it I realized that I don't really have name for mine, although I do refer to my boobs as 'the girls'.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic Zia. Seriously. One of my favorite posts of yours so far.

Anonymous said...

Cash and prizes.

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