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24 December 2009

Please Stand So Close To Me

Look, I'm no sicko, but I have a hard time conjuring any sympathy for the thirteen year old dude who was nailing his rather hot, twentysomething teacher. Call me an ass, a bastard, a Yankees fan, whatever. I just can't feel bad for the kid.

Here's the thing: When I was thirteen years old, the closest thing I got to female flesh was when Sister Ella Francis whacked me in the neck with a chalkboard eraser. Meanwhile, this kid's living his own private Aerosmith video. Not to mention the fact that they banged at least a couple hundred times--according to her, "on couches, on kitchen floors, sometimes while her husband slept upstairs"--meaning this lad saw more action in the fifth grade than I saw throughout the past ten years combined. As a former thirteen year old boy, I can honestly say we could have used more teachers like her back in the day.

Hell, put the finishing touches on that time machine and I'll gladly go back and swap places with the kid. Until then, according to the aforelinked article, the teacher has been sprung from house arrest to visit her mom in Rhode Island for the holidays. That means for the next couple days, you'll find me hanging in the finest arcades and skate parks throughout The Ocean State, dressed and acting as young as I can pull off, in the hopes she might be trolling for new blood.


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