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30 March 2010

Pornography: A User's Guide

1. Keep the porn DVDs away from the "non-porn" DVDs. Nobody wants to sit down to watch season two of The Big Bang Theory and be greeted by the dimly-lit image of Jenna Jameson getting fisted. Well, some people do. But your Aunt Netty isn't one of them.

2. A cataloguing system is perhaps the easiest way to ensure streamlined access to your favorite films. Don't make it too complicated; labels such as "Spanish girls with riding crops," "urine-crazed midgets" and "69-ing with mules" should suffice.

3. If using re-writable DVDs, labeling is key. You spent years trying to track down that rare Japanese schoolgirl bondage video. Don't go burning over it with fucking One Tree Hill again, Brown Eye.

4. Always be cognizant of Murphy's Law as it applies to porno. On those occasions that you are unable to resist jerking off, rest assured that at the precise moment you feel yourself getting swept up in a spasm of release, the image on the screen will inevitably switch from the hot blonde delivering a deep, slow blow job to Ron Jeremy's "O face."


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